


Be loved

by velocitygrass



Series: Be loved [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Anonymous Sex, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-08
Updated: 2006-11-08
Packaged: 2017-10-18 12:29:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/188896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He hoped it wouldn't take long. There were days, when he had waited in vain. But for some reason, when he really needed it, there'd always been someone who'd come eventually. It was as if they knew. They, the unknown group of men who frequented the room. He didn't know who they were, how many there were or for what reasons they came. He didn't really care.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Be loved

Today was definitely one of those days. He would have gone there straight from the infirmary after the post-mission check-up, but he had to prepare himself. So he had made a detour to his room, stripping away the vest, but nothing else, getting the tube out of the drawer, opening himself up for whoever came first.

A quick glance at the life sign detector showed only one other person, but that dot was around the corner so that he was out of sight as he slipped through the door from the shady hall into the small dark room. He didn't turn on the light. The darkness was absolute, but he still closed his eyes as he crossed his arms on the wall and leaned his head against them.

He hoped it wouldn't take long. There were days, when he had waited in vain. But for some reason, when he really needed it, there'd always been someone who'd come eventually. It was as if they knew. They, the unknown group of men who frequented the room. He didn't know who they were, how many there were or for what reasons they came. He didn't really care.

If someone asked him why he did it, he wouldn't be able to answer. It was as much pleasure as it was punishment. It made him feel alive, because the overwhelming shame and self-hatred meant that he wasn't dead yet. He was just worthless.

The door opened. Yes, they always knew. John smiled into the darkness, then closed the door and locked it, the gesture automatic by now. He heard an intake of breath. But there were no hands, coming up to silently negotiate. He had something specific in mind anyway. He opened up his pants, shoved them down along with his boxers and settled against the wall, ass sticking out.

Then he waited. And waited. He was getting impatient. He didn't have the energy for some newcomer, who'd found out about the room, but didn't bother to learn the rules. At least he hadn't switched on the lights. Not that John would allow more than a slight glimmer, before forcing it down again. He reached back and found a hand. He took it and placed it on his bare ass. Another intake of breath. Nothing more.

Fuck. The guy should be pounding him into the wall by now. He was going to unceremoniously kick him out so that at least someone else wouldn't find the door closed, but then the hand on his ass disappeared and he heard some rustling behind him. Finally.

He heard clothes hit the floor and then two hands were on his ass. One slid carefully between his cheeks. Yes, yes, he was prepared. Could he please fuck him already. His cheeks were pulled apart to make room for the head of a hard cock and as soon as the guy started to push in, John shoved back as hard as he could impaling himself with a sigh of relief.

The guy behind him moaned and grabbed his hips, nearly tripping from the force. He took a few heavy breaths and John was okay with that, if it meant that he could fuck him hard and soon before coming. But instead a body folded around his back and hands around his chest.

John fought the instinct to shove him away and rearrange his face with his elbow. Maybe they should put up a fucking list of dos and don'ts in plain text. He contemplated how to teach this guy the ground rules, when he caught a smell that reminded him of... Rodney.

A surge of lust shot through him. His mind went through a list of reasons why this could or couldn't be Rodney, processing in lighting speed with no other result that he wasn't sure and that in any case he needed to be fucked _now_. Not minding the closeness anymore he pushed back a bit and was rewarded with an answering push. He did it again and finally the guy, maybe Rodney, got with the program and started to fuck him in earnest.

The guy was still plastered to his back, but his hands moved back to John's hips holding him. The grip wasn't nearly tight enough for John's taste. Every thrust was beautiful agony, but he wanted to feel those hands, too, wanted to feel them long after this was over. He moved one hand away from the wall and put it on the guy's hands, pressing. After a moment he got it.

Not only did the grip on his hips tighten, he fucked him harder, deeper. He was impaled on the cock, rigorously opened up and with every thrust now, he could feel him hitting something so deep inside him, that John felt turned inside out.

He moved his head back, eyes closed, silent moan on his lips. Balls slapping together, skin meeting again and again. He would still feel it the next day, the hands might even leave marks. Suddenly the guys head was next to his. Did he want to kiss him? John was so far gone that he almost considered allowing that. And that idea was so ridiculous that he almost had to laugh hysterically. He had and would never let a guy kiss him. Rodney shot through his brain and as if in confirmation the guy behind him moaned a single "God" into his ear and in that moment he knew without a doubt that it was Rodney.

John came in a hot flash, spurting against the wall once, twice, three times, inclining his head ever so slightly towards the guy, who didn't let up, who kept fucking him through it, who was the man he spent most of his time with on Atlantis.

Rodney came with a groan, filling John. He slumped down on him more than before and moved his hands around John again. John's breath suddenly caught. This was not what he wanted. This felt... almost good. He moved forward abruptly causing Rodney's cock to slip out of him. The arms around him moved slightly away as if uncertain.

John stepped aside out of their reach and pulled up his boxers and pants. He could practically see Rodney standing in the dark, pants and boxers pooled around his ankles, not knowing what to say or do. John could only hope that he wouldn't come up with anything within the next minute. That was how long it took him to clean up the mess on the wall and then open the door and slip into the hall and away.

~~

When John stood under the shower afterwards he didn't immediately start scrubbing. Usually he needed to get off the scent of his depravity. He needed to wash away the evidence that he'd let a man fuck him again or that he'd gone down on his knees again to swallow cock like the faggot that he allowed himself to be when he went into that room.

But today, as the warm water washed over him, he wondered what it would be like to still feel parts of Rodney inside him when he went out there again into the real world. He smiled for a moment then bit his lip and closed his eyes when the image of his father appeared behind his eyes, forever disapproving.

He started scrubbing and didn't stop until he was raw all over.

~~

When Rodney approached him later at dinner in the mess, he flushed. John would have been surprised if there hadn't been any sign at all of what they had done. Rodney wasn't him. Rodney couldn't shed it like a second skin.

"What can I do for you?" John asked and there was not a trace of innuendo in it.

Rodney hesitated for a moment and John could practically see the wheels turning in his head. Had he imagined it? Had it really been John? When Rodney sat down, John knew that Rodney wouldn't ask and he relaxed a bit. Not because he couldn't or wouldn't flat out deny it. It simply meant things wouldn't get unnecessary complicated.

He listened to what Rodney had wanted to tell him since the mission was over, since he had followed him down that hall, and imagined what he would do to Rodney if they were ever again in that room.

~~

He didn't go into the room again the next couple of days. Instead he watched Rodney. He hadn't said a word to John about what had happened in the room. John didn't know if it was because Rodney wasn't sure that John knew it was him or because he had no idea what to say to your team leader that you found offering himself up in small dark room for the taking. Especially if you had taken.

John _had_ been able to feel him the next day. And he still remembered the tight grip on his hips, the hot breath on his neck. Rodney still flushed when John came near him. He wondered if he had been his first. He decided it didn't matter. John had never judged the other men he'd had encounters with. Whether they were straight, bi or gay, horny, in denial, desperate, it was all the same to him. He couldn't tell how they felt and he didn't want to. It wasn't his responsibility. And they would never know how he felt.

He was busy with writing and checking mission reports and his other responsibilities. He had never let that part of him interfere with his job. But at lunch when he was watching Rodney stuff his mouth, he let his mind wander, let himself imagine how that mouth would feel around his cock. Or what Rodney would do if John simply slipped below the table and blew him, right there, in the full mess hall.

He didn't masturbate thinking about men. It was never dark or loud enough when he was alone. No tight grip to relish in or harsh pants to listen out for to distract him from the fact of what he was doing, wanted to do even when he was just alone, just himself.

He needed to drop down on his knees on the hard floor in that absolute darkness. And he wanted to do it in front of Rodney, wanted it to be his cock that pushed down his throat.

Of course he couldn't ask for it. But he'd try and give Rodney a chance. If he didn't go to that room, then he'd take any other cock. In the end he only ever got what he deserved. He still remembered the bruises from so, so long ago. And sometimes when his knees hit the ground or his head the wall, when a guy pounded his ass, he could still feel them.

~~

He waited a quarter of an hour, wondering if Rodney had gotten the vague hint, that random remark that could be plausibly denied with half a dozen good explanations.

The door opened and someone entered. A mere shadow as always in the darkness here. There was never enough light in this place to recognize anyone who didn't want to be recognized.

John closed the door and locked it. He immediately went for the guy's pants, opening them up for the already half-hard cock. He didn't know if it was Rodney's. He didn't know it well enough yet. He swallowed him down in one go.

Rodney groaned and John smiled around him.

He could feel Rodney's hands in his hair, not applying any pressure. It was almost a caress. It sent shivers down John's spine. To keep himself from pushing Rodney's hands away he put his own hands on Rodney's ass, pulling him forward.

He could feel Rodney resist the hard rhythm that he tried to dictate. Rodney wanted it slow. John let him slip from his mouth to take a deep breath before going back and licking the head. Rodney sighed. John wondered if his eyes were closed. Then he reminded himself that he'd never know. He took him deeper, letting Rodney slide in and out sucking harder each time he went down.

Then he took him as deep as he could again, pulling Rodney towards him with a firm grip. Rodney started thrusting and John only wished he would grab his head more forcefully, but Rodney only held him firmly in place.

John let his hands fall to his sides, kneeling on the ground, his mouth wide open for Rodney to fuck him.

When Rodney made an indistinct noise, John's hands shot out again to keep him from pulling out. He wanted Rodney to shoot his load inside him and he swallowed it all.

He licked Rodney's cock clean until Rodney shuddered and pulled out, when John's hands no longer forced him to stay inside, just resting on Rodney's ass. John missed the hands in his hair, when they were gone.

He pulled up Rodney's pants and boxers, tucked him in and zipped and buttoned everything up. Then he waited for Rodney to go.

When Rodney reached out to his shoulder to pull him up, John evaded him, giving him a nudge into the direction of the door. He didn't need for Rodney to reciprocate. He had gotten what he had come for.

But Rodney put his hand on his neck and pulled with more force, dragging John from his knees. For a moment he was afraid that Rodney wanted to kiss him and he prepared his hands to get between them and push him away.

Instead Rodney dropped down on his knees.

John almost couldn't bear it. Rodney went so slow. He stroked his cock while licking around the head until he got to the spot on the underside that almost made John see stars.

John wanted to shove his cock down Rodney's throat. The gentle sucks around the head of his cock felt too good. What the hell was Rodney thinking? This room had only place for hardness. But nothing at all about Rodney was hard. John mused that he probably couldn't even feel the ground beneath his knees.

He put his hands on Rodney's head to push him away or pull him towards him, he wasn't quite sure. But Rodney was nestling into his hands, the circling motion stimulating John even more. He began kneading Rodney's scalp until he realized he was far too tender. But before he could pull his hands away Rodney insistently dragged his tongue along the ridge and John came, pulsing into Rodney's welcoming mouth. Rodney swallowed around him and kept stroking him until it was over.

John didn't immediately realize that Rodney was holding him up with one arm. But he did notice when he tried to step away. Rodney only let him go when John wouldn't let up and kept pushing against his arm. When he was free, he dragged up his pants and rushed out as soon as he was presentable, leaving Rodney kneeling on the ground.

~~

When John entered the room the next time Rodney was already there. He knew it was him even before Rodney made the first sound as John pushed two fingers deep inside him.

John's hand had reached out and Rodney had taken it and, dropping his pants, put it on his ass, echoing their first encounter. John had become hard in an instant.

John added a third finger rubbing Rodney's prostate, making him moan in a way that John knew was far too satisfying. He stopped and placed the head of his cock at Rodney's entrance. He could feel Rodney bracing himself and John couldn't help thinking that Rodney knew him far too well already. Still he shoved his cock inside in one go, because there was nothing else he could do.

He didn't give Rodney any time to relax. He held onto his hips and started fucking him. He tried to keep his grip firm but not bruising. He had a feeling that what Rodney really would want was slow and gentle, but this room wasn't for getting what you wanted.

Still John leaned a bit forward trying to angle his hips until Rodney groaned with each trust. John kept it up then, hard and fast, not in a brutal pace, but insistent. He leaned against Rodney's back and Rodney threw his head back, making noises now. They were indistinguishable for the most part with a few words like "yes" and "God" in between until he pushed back hard, shouting "John", and came.

John kept pushing him through it, while his name still reverberated in the room so loudly that he could only drown it out by saying "Rodney, Rodney, Rodney" again and again and again until he came inside him.

He slipped out of Rodney as soon as he had caught his breath. He could feel Rodney turning around and coming towards him, but John instinctively held out a hand to stop him.

He put a hand on Rodney's shoulder holding him firmly in place, not allowing him to come closer or to move away. They stood like that for what felt like an eternity.

When Rodney still didn't make a move or say anything, John let go, pulled up his pants and left.

~~

Under the shower he scrubbed off the remaining evidence of what he'd done. But what he remembered most was the sound of his name on Rodney's lips when Rodney had come. John had had sex with guys who knew his name. They'd asked and he had told them, because with a name like John it was as good as a lie. The few of them who had moaned it didn't mean him, didn't _know_ him.

Things were different with Rodney. Things were always different with Rodney, from the first moment he'd met him. He was deliberately annoying, but underneath his brash exterior, John had found a man who was braver that either of them thought he could be and funny and generally someone John liked.

He wasn't afraid that Rodney wouldn't respect him anymore. He had after all gone along with it willingly enough. What John feared was that Rodney wouldn't respect what this was. That he wouldn't see it as the short lived fulfillment of desires that he couldn't help having, even though he never wanted to be that person.

He saw Rodney at dinner later that day. Rodney studied him, not even trying to hide it. John didn't evade his gaze or hold it. Rodney could keep staring as long as he wanted to. He'd never find what he was looking for here, outside of that room, in the real world.

And that was what Rodney needed to understand.

~~

When John dropped his hint about the room to Rodney the next time, Rodney got up hastily and asked John if he wanted to go watch some DVD in his room.

He could have said no, declined on grounds of being tired, having other things to do, not being in the mood for that particular film. That was what he probably should have done. Rules were important in this... he couldn't really call it a game. If he allowed Rodney to change the rules he'd lose control over the matter. Which was a rather ridiculous thought because if he had any amount of self-control, he would never have entered that room in the first place.

Still he found himself saying "Okay" and following Rodney to his room.

Inside they just stood next to each other for a moment neither making a move. Then Rodney locked the door and John took this as last confirmation that they were here for sex. He went to the window and covered it up, turning around when Rodney turned on the lights. With a deliberate look at Rodney John thought the lights out until it wouldn't get any darker. Unfortunately the covers on the windows weren't perfect, so that he could still see the outline of Rodney. It would have to do.

John closed the distance between them and, without further preliminaries, opened up Rodney's pants. When he wanted to drop to his knees, Rodney stopped him. Instead Rodney undid John's pants and pushed them down along with the boxers and putting two hands on John's chest shoved him backwards onto the bed.

John had only had sex with men in a bed a couple of times. He wasn't sure this was a good idea, but on the other hand he supposed this might have been the point for Rodney. He smiled, imagining Rodney bitching to himself about how his knees had hurt after that second time. As long as it didn't change anything he'd be okay with a bed.

Rodney stood between his legs and nudged John and he complied moving further up the bed. Rodney pulled off John's shoes and socks and fully removed his pants and boxers and then followed, settling himself between John's legs. Neither of them moved for a moment and John wondered if Rodney could see more than he could in the darkness. John could only see a shadow looming above him. Then the shadow moved and he could see Rodney getting out of his shirt.

John contemplated whether allowing Rodney to do the same to his own shirt would change the rules too much, but in the end he didn't need an answer because Rodney didn't try. Instead he leaned forward and licked from John's balls up his cock, before taking the shaft in one hand and working his head with his tongue in the way that drove John absolutely crazy.

John spread his legs involuntarily, giving Rodney more room. And with a pang he realized that the feeling was still there. He didn't need that room and its absolute darkness to feel depraved about giving into that lust that made him want to spread his legs for men to do with him what they wished. Even though he'd never really give them that much control over him. This was only about himself.

It was about that need to feel like someone that he could and would never be. And that he hated that feeling as much as he longed for it was the only way it could be.

John began moaning as Rodney concentrated on the head, moving around in circling motion, lashing out with his tongue every now and then, all the while keeping John's shaft in a tight grip. When Rodney slid a hand under John's shirt, John let it happen, let him feel his way up almost to his heart, where John put a hand on his, holding him through the shirt, not allowing him to get to wherever Rodney had planned to go.

Rodney took him deeper then and John couldn't help the minute thrusts of his hips. Rodney went faster, his tongue massaging the underside of John's cock so expertly that John gripped the sheets with his free hand and Rodney's hand with the other. Rodney wrestled his hand free, slipped it out from John's shirt and found John's hand again, clasping it, intertwining their fingers.

John was ready to pull away and jump out of bed when Rodney took him deep, humming around John's cock. John squeezed Rodney's hand, needing to hold onto something in the face of the unimaginable pleasure shooting through him. He groaned loudly and when Rodney sucked around his head one more time, John gave up and emptied himself into Rodney's waiting mouth.

He couldn't do anything but try to remember how to breathe, as he watched helplessly how Rodney licked him clean and then scooted up, lying half on top, half next to John. He placed his head on John's shoulder as if it had every right in the world to be there and looked at their clasped hands on John's chest.

As soon as John felt he could move he shook his hand free and scrambled down the bed and away from Rodney. He preempted the protests he feared would come by pulling Rodney into the middle of the bed, onto his back, and proceeding to suck him into a state of incoherence.

He used every trick that he knew, took him deep, then concentrated on the ridge around the head, licked wetly and messily around, then sucked him tightly into his mouth. He gently balanced Rodney's balls on his tongue before suddenly swiping over them and up his cock right to that spot on the underside. He stroked over and around that with the tip of his tongue and Rodney went utterly wild.

He'd started moaning a while ago, but now he was calling out John's name over and over, moving around, unable to keep still. When he started jerking uncontrollably, John took him in his mouth again, swallowing Rodney's semen and nursing him through his orgasm.

Before Rodney could fully regain his composure, John put the rest of his clothes back on and fled, not without looking at Rodney one more time.

~~

When John showered this time it wasn't the way Rodney had shouted his name that stood out to him the most. It was how Rodney had lain next to him for those brief moments when he was too weak to not allow it. He tried to imagine lying in Rodney's arms, comfortably, willingly, maybe even kissing him. He shuddered bodily.

He stumbled out of the shower. Unbidden the images came to his mind, the looks, the gestures, the fist flying at him as the world went blank and he could only hear what seemed like a chorus of "look at that faggot", "queer", "homo", "he was begging to take his cock" and then it all stopped and there was only one voice, one sentence. "I hope you have learned your lesson."

John made it to the toilet in time to throw up. He drank some water and spat it out again. The man is his mirror looked pale. There was a faint echo of "Look, there's queer Johnny." in his head and then there was only blissful silence and he was alone again, just himself, whoever that was.

~~

When Rodney said "Hey" to him the next couple days, John had to force himself to keep the steel out of his voice. He never took this out into the real world. He wasn't Rodney, who gave him little smiles sometimes now. Of course John did that, too, but not in that way. He still liked Rodney. He suspected he would always like Rodney. And this John was allowed to feel _and_ show.

But it was different for Rodney and he could see it in the way Rodney walked next to him, the way he put his hands on him, before John moved aside smoothly, almost unnoticeably, and in the way his voice went soft sometimes, when he talked to John.

John would have laughed about how obvious he was being, but of course he could never allow it to go too far. Fortunately John knew how oblivious most people were. If you weren't looking for the signs, you wouldn't see them. And even if you were looking, it was nothing that you could report to a superior.

As it was Rodney gave John no reason to reprimand him. And when Rodney suggested watching another movie with an obvious undertone, John very nearly rolled his eyes and smacked him right there in the lab, but instead he said "Okay" as he'd done before and followed Rodney to his room, as he'd done before.

~~

Rodney grabbed him by the hips as soon as the door was locked.

"Windows," John said simply.

"There's not actually anyone out there who could see us," Rodney said unnecessarily, not letting go of John's hips.

"Windows," John repeated firmly.

Rodney sighed and went to cover them. John got out of his shoes and socks, then shed his pants and boxers.

When Rodney returned, John could still see him faintly. John debated going to the window himself and adjusting the covers, but decided it wasn't worth it. Rodney put his hands back on John's hips, then let his gaze swipe down to John's hardening cock and then back up to his face.

John looked back, defiantly, almost daring Rodney to try and kiss him. But Rodney didn't. Instead he moved his hands up a bit taking the shirt with them. He started running circles over John's skin with his thumbs.

John felt the little movement all over his body. He didn't know what Rodney thought he was doing. He just knew that it was either very stupid or very clever. With other people such a thing wouldn't worry John. He'd taken on a lot of people who thought they were smart. But with Rodney, that was a dangerous game to play.

So he put his hands on Rodney's and removed them from his body.

"Fuck me," John said.

Rodney looked at him for a long moment then nodded. He got out of his clothes and then put his hands back on John's hips and pushed him gently down the bed. John wanted to turn around but Rodney wouldn't let him. He felt himself practically manhandled up the bed. Rodney knelt between his legs, body upright, looking down on him.

What was different was that he could see him today. It was still pretty dark, but enough light came through the window to show him that Rodney wanted him. He could see in that look all the things that Rodney wanted to do with him. And even if he'd only let him do half of those things, John could still revel in all of it.

Rodney leaned forward and John mentally prepared himself for stopping him, but Rodney didn't try to kiss him. He opened a drawer and got out a tube. John relaxed and watched as Rodney squeezed out some lube and spread it between his fingers before sliding one digit around John's entrance and then inside.

John took in a deep breath, closed his eyes and tried to relax to make things easier for Rodney. Rodney moved around stretching him, before sliding out and back in with two fingers now. While he was still inside John, he took John's half-hard cock in his other hand, stroking him.

John opened his eyes and looked right into Rodney's. He looked oddly serene. Then he swiped his thumb over and around the head of John's dick and when John gasped Rodney smiled. John had no time to process that smile because at that moment the two fingers in his ass found his prostate and he moaned as the pleasure shot up into his cock and the rest of his body.

Rodney grinned and squeezed John's cock more firmly, while running his fingers over and over that spot deep inside until John started squirming and was ready to point out that this would be over very quickly if Rodney kept that up. But Rodney seemed to know. He removed his hand from John's cock and slid a third finger inside John, not touching his prostate now, just stretching him.

Then the fingers came out and John could see Rodney slick himself up. He was hard already, just by preparing John. John moved up his legs and Rodney put them on his shoulders before pushing in in one go, his eyes never leaving John's.

John sucked in a deep breath trying to prepare for Rodney's fucking, but Rodney didn't move.

"I'm good," John said, but he knew that wasn't the reason Rodney was waiting.

Then Rodney thrust into him and John sighed in relief. That was it. John was ready to ask what he was waiting for or to tell him to get moving, when Rodney pulled out. Slowly. When only the head of his dick was still in he pushed in again a little faster, but still nothing like what John needed.

"Faster," John said and it wasn't a plea or needy request, it was a command.

The hint of a smile that had played on Rodney's place was replaced with an indifferent mask as he started fucking John hard. John closed his eyes and started jerking himself off, but Rodney slapped his fingers away and started stroking him again. He went slower again now, but deep, trying different angles and when he hit his prostate, John let out a "yes" and threw his head back into the pillow.

Rodney stopped and adjusted John's legs on his shoulders and his upper body and then started pounding into John, hitting that spot again and again dead on. John closed his eyes and just let himself feel. He knew that he was saying something, probably Rodney's name and affirmations to let Rodney know he should keep doing what he was doing. But in his head there was only mindless pleasure.

He felt split in half, only held together by Rodney's hands on his legs and the absolute bliss that filled his whole body to bursting. He didn't notice that Rodney's pace had gradually slowed down again and how far he was stretched until Rodney's head touched his chest. John jerked his eyes open and Rodney nuzzled into him, his eyes closed. John moved his hands into Rodney's hair to pull him away, but somehow he ended up pressing him closer.

"Rodney." It came out almost helplessly and Rodney opened his eyes, looked at him and came. John tried to stop himself, but as Rodney quivered inside him, he felt his own orgasm shoot through him, his semen splattering between them onto his shirt.

Rodney slid out of him and let go of John's legs. John immediately unfolded his body and his back let him know that he'd definitely feel this in the morning.

His heart was still pounding. He still had his hand in Rodney's hair. Rodney had thrown one arm over John's chest. He was lying half on top of him again, now that his legs weren't in the way any longer. John pushed his hand up through Rodney's hair, trying not to grip him too firmly.

John felt an unbearable impulse to do something, to either pull Rodney fully on top of him and kiss him or to roughly push him away and throw him out of his own bed, so that John would never be welcome here again. Instead he let himself catch his breath for a minute and then gently pushed Rodney off his body and slipped out of the bed. Rodney didn't look at him, while John put his clothes back on, trying to clean off his shirt enough that he would make it to his room without looking suspicious.

John looked back once again when he was at the door, but Rodney still lay on the bed, his eyes closed. John left.

~~

John felt empty as he stood under the shower. He was entirely drained by the experience. What they had done, what _Rodney_ was doing was territory so foreign to John that it felt like the ground had just been pulled away under him. He was free-falling and what scared him about that was not the idea of crashing and burning, but that Rodney might be there to catch him.

Rodney was so used by now to doing the impossible that he might just get the idea that he could pull off a miracle here, too. But John had learned at an early age that miracles didn't happen, no matter how much you prayed or how good you tried to be or whatever you offered as a bargain to God. In the end things would always turn out the way they were meant to be.

And John would never be what Rodney wanted him to be. So he had to get this back under control, where they both knew what they were doing.

~~

When John went to Rodney the next time he was prepared. In the lab he'd only had to give Rodney one look and a shake of the head and Rodney had followed without a word.

Now they were inside Rodney's room and John quickly went to the window and covered it up, then he turned back to Rodney, who was watching him, still fully clothed. John opened up Rodney's pants and pulled them down, getting on his knees in the process. The boxers followed and he took Rodney's hardening cock in one hand and gave him three quick hard strokes before taking him into his mouth.

While he sucked Rodney to full hardness, John got him out of his shoes and socks and made him step out of the clothes pooling at his feet. Rodney's cock didn't leave his mouth once in the process. With one last hard suck he let Rodney slide out of his mouth. Then John examined his work and was pleased to see that Rodney stood at full attention.

He looked further up Rodney's body to his face, where he saw a slightly glazed look and John smiled. He got up, stroked Rodney's cock one more time, then moved Rodney backwards onto the bed. He half sat, half lay, propped on his elbows looking up at John, waiting for what was coming next. It was exactly what John had wanted.

He opened his pants, got out of his shoes and socks, then pushed down his pants and boxers, faltering only slightly, when he saw Rodney pulling his shirt over his head and throwing it aside. John hesitated for a second then did the same.

Once he was naked, John walked around the bed, past Rodney, who was watching him attentively and got into the bed at the head. He got onto all fours, sticking out his ass and simply said "Fuck me".

Rodney slowly got up and into position behind him. He tentatively reached out between John's cheeks and easily slid one finger into John's well-prepared channel. Without another word Rodney guided his cock to John's entrance. Then he grabbed John's hips and drove in with one forceful thrust until he was balls deep inside John.

John threw back his head and groaned. That was it. That was how it was supposed to be.

"Fuck me," he said again, when Rodney didn't start moving. And after a moment Rodney started pulling out and pushing back in in a hard and fast rhythm.

John let his head fall. His whole body was moving from the thrusts of Rodney's fucking. Then Rodney adjusted his angle and John cried out a "Yes".

It felt good to be taken like this. He felt like an animal, like a bitch in heat. There was only Rodney's cock, making him feel like he existed for nothing else. In the dark corner of the room John could see his father, disappointed and disgusted with him and something like relief washed over John.

It hurt, but it was a familiar hurt. Here he was, letting himself be fucked by a guy. And there was the guilt and the shame, that had become second nature to him. Somehow this set him back on the ground of reality. His world was all right again.

John relaxed into this world, letting himself be surrounded by the darkness, feeling so alone and disconnected from everything that he could hardly feel Rodney any longer.

And then he did feel Rodney, feel him settling his body onto John's back, feel him resting his head on John's shoulder. Leave it to Rodney to never let things be, to find him in his bleak but familiar place.

It would always be like this with Rodney. John could simply get up and leave, never come back to this room and instead return into the darkness in a shady floor on the other end of Atlantis. But at least for a moment he'd just stay here. Rodney seemed to take that as confirmation that this was okay, because one hand moved up John's torso, stroking him, even as he kept pushing into John much slower now than before.

The movement of Rodney's hand on his skin was so gentle that John had to catch his breath. There was patience and care in that slow touch and suddenly he thought of his mother. He didn't think often of her. It was too hard not to be bitter. But now he thought of her gentleness, that shone through even if she scolded him and that never left her not even when she was not much more than the shell of her former self.

He looked into the corner of the room again and he could see her there faintly, next to his father. She looked understanding, as she always had, even when he did something she didn't approve of. Would she have understood this? Did she? He looked over to his father, unchanged in his disapproval. He'd never deserved her anyway.

He looked away from them, which brought his head slightly in direction of Rodney's. Rodney lifted his head from John's shoulder and over it, next to John's face. John vaguely thought that his mother probably understood Rodney. Rodney still stroked him gently with one hand. It only now occurred to John how insane it was that Rodney of all people reminded him of his mother.

Then Rodney moved his arm around John and pulled him backwards until John was sitting on his lap, Rodney's cock deep inside him. John thought back to his own plan, how he'd had everything in control when they'd started this today. He needed to get them to a point where they knew what they were doing. But John really wasn't sure anymore what that was.

He'd felt the need for this all his life, these forbidden desires. Wasn't this what they were doing now? Wasn't Rodney inside him now, didn't he have a man's cock inside him? Things had not changed. They really hadn't. And if this was how Rodney wanted to do it, wasn't it okay to accommodate him? He'd always been okay with what other men felt. Their needs weren't his. They didn't have to be.

Rodney could be slow and gentle and John would still be fucked by a man. They could both have it their way. If Rodney was into this, who was he to dictate all the time. As long as there were still some ground rules, some borders, things would work out just fine.

He leaned into Rodney. And when Rodney moved his face towards him, his lips coming dangerously close, John turned his head away. Rodney moved his head back settling it so that he was cheek to cheek with John and started thrusting into him again.

Lesson learned. Rodney was a genius after all. John trusted that he understood what they were doing. And maybe more importantly what they weren't doing, where they would never go.

John starting rocking on top of Rodney, desire coming back, now that he had come to an agreement with himself. Rodney pushed harder upwards into him and then moved the hand from John's hip to John's cock. He stroked John in long, firm moves, speeding up after a while, just as his hips sped up.

John moved forward a bit, his head thrown back so that his face was still close to Rodney's. When he'd found a better angle he started pushing down onto Rodney, meeting each of his thrusts. Rodney's hand pumped him vigorously now and the arm around him gripped him tighter.

John was lifted upwards, each time Rodney drove up and into him. He moaned, while he could hear Rodney panting next to him. Then Rodney turned and said "Come" right into his ear and after a few more hard thrusts and with Rodney's firm grip around his dick John did. His warm seed spurted onto his chest and Rodney's hands and behind him Rodney shuddered as he came deep inside him.

They stayed like that catching their breath until John moved up and let Rodney slide out of him. He didn't get up and away immediately though and just stayed in Rodney's arms a little longer. Eventually he did get up, going to the bathroom and cleaning himself up enough to put his clothes back on and go to his own room for a shower.

Once John had put everything back on he looked at Rodney, who had turned and lain down on the bed watching him. John didn't quite know what to do. It was the first time after sleeping with a man that he didn't feel the need to flee as soon as possible.

"Bye," he said awkwardly, then turned away from Rodney's raised eyebrow and growing smirk and left without turning back.

~~

John stood under the shower, not turning it on. He realized that if he wanted he could just stay like that, that he didn't need to wash anything off. He closed his eyes and tried to conjure up an image of his father. It worked, he was still there in all his disapproving glory. But when John opened his eyes again, his father was gone just as quickly. And when he turned on the shower, the dirt that he washed off went only skin deep.

~~

John wasn't quite sure if this had changed anything between them. Rodney still gave him a look sometimes when they were together in the mess or on a mission or a meeting. That look made John uncomfortable and he wasn't even sure why. It made him feel naked somehow as if Rodney could see right inside of him. But then Rodney would be distracted by food or someone's stupidity and when he was exasperated and insulted John, John relaxed.

Sometimes John wondered why Rodney stuck with him, instead of finding himself a nice girlfriend. Sure, dating on Atlantis wasn't exactly easy, but John was sure there was more than one willing female, who'd admire Rodney's intellect and humor and bravery. Maybe he simply didn't want the hassle of going through dates until you found the right one. Somehow John could easily imagine that to Rodney sleeping with John seemed like an obvious practical solution to the lack-of-sex problem.

Rodney probably thought of it as a buddy fuck. John had never thought of what he did like that. A buddy fuck was like a glorified hand job to him and what had driven him to that room and to dark alleys and back rooms all his life had come from a deeper place inside him.

With Rodney things were different. What they did now, after John had stopped putting a leash on him and let Rodney take the lead sometimes, was somehow not as desperate. John didn't think that it was because he had sex more often now, although it might have been that. For some reason it was simply easier with Rodney.

When he was with Rodney he felt that hidden side of him come alive. That alone wasn't new, it had always been the reason he sought out other men, but with Rodney he could take that second skin off again, without having to scrub himself raw afterwards. He had realized that he didn't need the hurt as part of the pleasure. And when he looked into the mirror on the way to the shower he didn't feel contempt. Instead it was almost as if he didn't know that man, even though he looked slightly familiar.

~~

Of course Rodney tried to test the new borders. One day he took John to his room and undressed him. He didn't always want it slow.

John was lying on the bed, already naked, watching Rodney who got out of his own clothes making a bit of a show of it. It made John smile. Then Rodney was done and he crawled on top of John.

When he leaned in, mouth closing in on John's nipple, John tensed and his hand shot out to stop him. He'd really thought they'd established that kissing wasn't part of this, but then Rodney stuck out his tongue and John eased his grip more out of surprise than in permission.

Either way, Rodney firmly rubbed his tongue over John's nipple and John gasped. He'd never let a man do this before and sex with women had always been something entirely different for him. But Rodney laved it with attention, then grazed it with his teeth. John made a little noise of protest, but then Rodney sucked it in and he was more than all right again.

When Rodney moved to the other nipple, he moved up a hand up to play with the abandoned one, which wasn't a bad idea. John certainly missed his mouth there already. John had had no idea that he'd be so sensitive there. But as Rodney massaged one nipple and sucked the other into his mouth, John felt himself harden.

Which was apparently exactly what Rodney had had in mind, because soon he moved his free hand to John's dick and running it up and down once, let go of John's nipple and smiled.

"Excellent," he said and moved up John's body above his hard cock. Then he took John's hands and put them on his ass. John pulled the cheeks apart and circled one finger around Rodney's wet hole. He'd prepared himself.

"I'm gonna ride you," he said and John's dick twitched obviously happy with the idea. John positioned Rodney's entrance above his erection and then thrust up. Rodney moved down at the same time and then John was fully inside him. John put his hands on Rodney's hips and Rodney started riding him.

John watched as his own dick slid in and out of Rodney, watched Rodney watching him, watched Rodney's hard dick bobbing with the movement of his hips. John grabbed his dick, letting Rodney thrust into his hand on every upward move and Rodney moaned and moved his head backwards, closing his eyes. He fucked himself on John's cock so shamelessly that John couldn't help leaning up and putting his other hand on the back of Rodney's neck and pulling him forward.

Rodney opened his eyes in surprise and put his hands on John's chest. John held him firmly with both hands and Rodney shouted out "John" and came all over John's hand and both their stomachs.

John didn't let him take a breath before pulling him further down and turning them both around, only narrowly avoiding that they fell out of bed. More importantly though his cock was still inside Rodney, so he pushed and pulled until they were far enough from the side of the bed. Then he pushed Rodney's legs on his shoulders and starting driving into him with quick hard thrusts.

Rodney shook with the force of his movements and when John hit his prostate Rodney groaned and his limp dick twitched again. But John didn't have the patience to wait for Rodney to get fully hard again. He was so far gone that a few more thrusts sent him over the edge and he shot his load inside Rodney with a moan.

Then he slipped out of Rodney and slumped down, head on Rodney's chest, arms thrown around him. After a while, when he slowly began to feel more than his own heartbeat and harsh breaths, he felt Rodney rubbing his back in circles. He looked up then and Rodney looked down and they were so close... John held Rodney's look for a long moment, then settled back onto his chest.

Rodney's nipple caught his eye and he started playing with it.

"John?"

He stopped then and after a long quiet moment he nuzzled into Rodney's chest for a second and then got up.

~~

P3X-173 had been a disaster. All of them had scrapes over their body, but Teyla had been severely hurt and although Carson had assured them she would fully recover, John felt as if all his life had been drained from him.

It was one of those days.

A few months ago he would have gone to the little dark room to let himself be fucked until he was almost unconscious and would feel nothing except shame and self-disgust, which he would then scrub from his body in a hot shower until he was left empty and would fall asleep within seconds.

And even though things were different now, he wouldn't mind a nice hard fuck to make him forget and so tired that sleep would overwhelm him. But one look at Rodney told him, that he was in no way up to that. He looked positively beat and as if he wanted nothing more than a shower and his bed, possibly not in that order.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" Rodney still asked and John smiled at the generous offer.

"No, it's okay. You're tired. Get to bed," John said fondly. He wasn't prepared for Rodney's harsh answer.

"Need something else today?"

John was taken aback by that. They had never talked about this. They hadn't discussed seeing or not seeing other people. They had never discussed _anything_ about the sex they were having. All of their communication and negotiation had been through touch.

He hadn't even thought about it himself. He hadn't been to the room since he'd had sex with Rodney there. He wasn't planning on going there again until it was over. Maybe not even after it was over. He certainly hadn't been planning to go there today.

So he simply said "No" as honestly as he could and he could see Rodney's anger dissipate. After a quick look up and down the hall Rodney put a hand on John's arm.

"Come with me," he said gently.

And John did.

~~

Rodney entered him slowly. They both lay sideways and Rodney had his arm around John. Once he was fully inside him, Rodney kept still and rested his head on John's back for a moment. Then he started gently thrusting, carefully almost, as if John would fall apart if he used more force.

John moved one arm over Rodney's and with the other reached back to pet Rodney's head. They lay like that until the movement of Rodney's hips became more urgent and he moved his hand to John's erection, stroking him in time with his thrusts. When John came it washed over him like a gentle wave, his only movement a slightly tighter grip on Rodney's head.

Rodney slid out of John and wiped his hand on the sheet before holding John again. John's arm slipped from its awkward position from Rodney's head forward and he began idly stroking Rodney's arm.

~~

John woke up in the middle of the night. He carefully slipped out of Rodney's embrace so that he wouldn't wake him. Then he put on his clothes. Before he left he knelt next to the bed and took a close look at Rodney as he slept. He lifted his hand and moved it over his cheek, not touching and then swiped it over a few stray hairs that stuck up. Rodney's hand twitched as if trying to push away something.

John smiled, got up and quietly left the room.

~~

John was surprised to realize that what he felt was contentment. In the last months that tension, that had always been a part of his life, had eased up and was nothing than a mere stretch. He slipped from one side of him into the other as easily as out of a shirt.

Their sex was great. Rodney was imaginative, which didn't surprise John. He liked to explore John's body so slowly that it often drove John crazy, but he could also be downright dirty, in a way that had nothing to do with shame and guilt and was all about making John so hard that he thought he'd come without a touch, possibly in his pants. And sometimes when John got to his room and it was late and time to go to bed, John would skip the shower and fall asleep and wake up still smelling of Rodney and the sex they'd had.

Outside in the real world things were normal, somehow even more normal than before. John still caught Rodney looking at him in that way every now and then, but Rodney would immediately shrug or do something and John would forget all about it.

John felt as relaxed as he hadn't since his mother had been diagnosed with cancer. It was the first time in a long time that John found himself wishing that things would stay the way they were for a very long time.

Of course this had to be the moment, when they inevitably had to change again.

~~

It had been a round of slow sex, and when Rodney pulled out of him he slumped down onto John's back, catching his breath.

John didn't mind the weight. Even if it wasn't comfortable it felt comforting to be so surrounded by Rodney. He covered him like a blanket and John was grateful to have him in his life, here and now.

Then he felt Rodney's lips on his back below his neck.

John tensed. He waited for Rodney to move his head, for this to have been an accident as he turned into a more comfortable position. Then he felt it again and again and again.

John wanted to scream at him to stop, but he couldn't get out a single word because suddenly he felt he couldn't breathe anymore. He tried to get some air in his lungs but somehow Rodney was far too heavy now, suffocating him, until John couldn't do anything but shove him bodily away as he jumped out of bed.

John breathed heavily, looking at Rodney, who watched him almost dispassionately. There might have been a hint of hurt and disappointment, but at the moment John couldn't feel sorry. Instead he was angry.

Why did Rodney have to do this? He'd tried to kiss him a few times and John had never let him. They couldn't do this. It wasn't part of their arrangement. Because kissing meant... things that had always made him break up with people.

He'd never let a man kiss him, ending anything before he got the feeling the guy really wanted to do it. The only one who'd ever done it anyway had ended up with a bloody nose that John suspected might have been broken. He hadn't stuck around long enough to find out.

He'd kissed a lot of women and those whom it meant something for, he'd all left. He didn't want to hurt them, had never wanted to hurt anyone, least of all Rodney, which was why Rodney's kisses frustrated him almost to a level of pain.

Why was Rodney even _thinking_ of going down a road that led to nowhere. John had really thought they had come to an understanding. Didn't Rodney realize that if he let himself feel something for John, John would have to leave him, to save him from the inevitable pain? He'd never minded his own pain. And he still didn't.

If Rodney couldn't keep this under control, John would do what he had to do, for both of them.

He went to pick up his clothes and started dressing, when Rodney got out of the bed as well.

"John," he said, a question or maybe a request and John slowed down, hoping that maybe Rodney had realized his mistake and would tell him that everything was all right. That he'd been wrong, that he'd just wanted to try and he was sorry and they could forget it, it would never happen again.

But when John had finished putting on his clothes, Rodney still hadn't said another word.

John went to the door, not looking back, when Rodney did speak.

"I love you."

John turned around and stared at Rodney.

There was only one person who had ever said those words to him and whom John had believed: His mother.

But now as he was standing in a different galaxy so many years after her death, he believed it again. He could see it in Rodney's eyes, in the resignation and... it wasn't hope, no, Rodney knew him too well for that. John only wished Rodney had known him well enough to realize that telling John he loved him wouldn't stop him. That it was in fact the very fear of this that had sent John running in the first place.

John shook his head almost imperceptibly and turned around again, not saying a word, because he trusted that Rodney knew he was sorry.

"I know that you don't feel the same."

Something inside him clenched at that and he turned towards Rodney again.

"I don't expect anything of you," Rodney continued. "You can fuck me as you like and you can ask me for anything you want. You know that. And I know that you enjoy it. This has to change nothing. It doesn't have to mean anything to you. We can continue as we did. Just let me... touch you sometimes."

And John wanted to believe him. He wanted to believe so badly that he could still have this.

"I'll never say it again," Rodney added calmly.

But Rodney would still feel it, John thought. And he didn't want to hurt Rodney, more than anything he didn't want that.

But if Rodney loved him, he _would_ be hurt if John left. This had already gone beyond what he had planned. He couldn't change the way Rodney felt. He didn't know why Rodney had allowed things to go this far. But Rodney was smart. He'd gone into this willingly. It wasn't John's fault or his responsibility. If Rodney thought he could live with it, then who was he to say otherwise.

Rodney didn't expect anything of John. And John could give him that.

"Please, John," Rodney said and there was no trace of desperation or begging. It was so mature, so willing and able and prepared to accept being denied that John had to believe that Rodney was telling the truth. It didn't change anything.

John nodded. "Next time," he said and left.

~~

John nearly changed his mind several times in the next few days. He was resolved to go to Rodney and tell him they couldn't continue this, when Rodney would behave so utterly normal and annoy or insult him that John couldn't believe that Rodney's feelings could only lead to misery.

Not once did he see Rodney looking at him in that way. And when Rodney invited him to watch a movie, he followed him willingly.

~~

Once inside Rodney's room they stood opposite of each other and it was the first time in a long time that they were unsure.

Rodney hesitantly reached out to pull John's shirt out of his pants, watching John for any sign that it wasn't welcome. It was really strange. Rodney was the one who'd admitted his feelings, but it was John who was treated carefully.

John lifted his arms and Rodney pulled the shirt over John's head and got out of his own.

Then Rodney stepped closer leaning towards John hovering near his neck and looked at John for permission. He didn't move until John gave it by nodding slightly. Rodney's mouth moved down and kissed John's neck. He put his hands on John's forearms and started kissing along his shoulder, slowly, carefully as if he didn't want to scare John. Then he moved to the other shoulder and kissed his way back to John's neck.

John stood stiffly, trying to get accustomed to this. It felt good, sent warmth shooting through John every now and then when Rodney's lips touched his skin. But it also felt strange and John had to force down the impulse to move away out of Rodney's reach.

When Rodney kissed up his neck coming close to his jaw, John did move away. Just his head, a simple silent stop. And Rodney stopped, then put his hand into John's hair and nuzzled John's temple for a second. Perfect understanding.

Rodney undid John's pants and John helped by getting out of his shoes and socks. When he was naked, Rodney gently moved him onto the bed and John slid backwards until he was fully lying on it, while Rodney got out of his own clothes.

Once naked, he crawled over him and started kissing his neck again, moving downwards now, towards one nipple. Rodney's hands started wandering over John's torso, his sides, his other nipple, his stomach. When Rodney only gently stroked John's dick in passing, John realized that this would take a while, but he was okay with that.

He had made the decision to continue this or to at least give it a try. He would let Rodney do this. It didn't hurt him. In fact he enjoyed it, even though he still didn't feel quite prepared for it. When Rodney kissed down his dick on the way to his thighs, John had to smile.

He wasn't sure how long Rodney had spent on his legs before finally getting back to his dick and taking him in his mouth. He licked and sucked John a bit more quickly now and when John was fully hard, Rodney pointed at the drawer and John reached over to get out the lube.

Rodney took it and John pulled his legs up and apart to give Rodney better access. Rodney let John's dick slip out of his mouth. Then he took it in one hand, stroking in the absence of his mouth which was moving carefully over John's sensitive balls, which where also lifted out of the way. Then John could only gasp as he felt Rodney moving his tongue around his entrance.

John tensed, then tried to relax as Rodney started licking around his hole, sticking the tip of his tongue quickly inside every now and then. It felt strange, but also quite nice. Rodney looked up and smiled at him and started to move one finger inside of John.

And just like that they were back on familiar ground. John felt that Rodney always managed to make new and exciting and scary things easy.

When Rodney slid into him and lifted his legs he expected more of that slowness, but instead Rodney pushed John's legs forward and started pounding into him. He only needed two tries to find the angle that hit John's prostate dead on and when he found it he drove into John relentlessly. John was soon incoherent with pleasure. He started moaning calling out Rodney's name, when he'd hit him especially good and when Rodney reached out and touched John's hard dick John immediately came with a shout.

John lay panting, trying to catch his breath, when he realized that Rodney was still hard inside him and had stopped moving. He looked at Rodney and Rodney moved forward until he could lay his head on John's shoulder and started thrusting again, slow, but deep. Then he turned his head, whispered "John" and kissed his neck as he emptied himself inside John.

He slipped out of John and John lowered his legs and started rubbing Rodney's back.

And when Rodney's hand moved into his hair and he started kissing John's neck again, John didn't think anything of it.

~~

Things didn't change. At least not much.

Rodney hadn't lied. He didn't expect anything of John. He just wanted to be allowed to kiss John and John let him, as long as it wasn't in his face. His body was fair game and Rodney had taken that as reason to explore. And John had found himself surprised that he enjoyed every minute of it.

Rodney's kisses had become a part of what they did now. John would get out of his shirt and expect to feel Rodney's lips on his neck or shoulder or sometimes straight on his nipple, soon joined by his tongue. It was okay. It was more than okay. John felt himself looking forward to it, pulling Rodney's mouth down to him, while they were fucking or directing Rodney's mouth to where he wanted it.

He liked to have Rodney close, so that he could hear him breathing, onto his shoulder or the nape of his neck. Rodney's kisses could arouse and caress him. And John wanted both so much that he had long forgotten why he'd ever thought that this could be a problem.

In one way Rodney _had_ lied. Even though he'd never said the words again, he still said it all the time, with his lips and his hands and the way he looked at John every now and then. When John saw that look now he looked back and smiled. And Rodney smiled back and John felt lighter as if he could just lift off the ground by the sheer force of his will.

They showered together after sex now sometimes. And sometimes they ended up having sex in the shower again.

John didn't kiss Rodney. But he touched him, slow and reverently, as Rodney did with him. And when Rodney said silly things like "so beautiful" when he caressed John's body, John just smiled and sometimes ruffled his hair.

~~

One morning their mission was canceled in the last minute and with everyone prepared for their absence they found themselves with hours to spare.

They went to Rodney's room together, without having to exchange a single word.

Inside Rodney pulled John towards him and they both dropped onto the bed. They crawled on top of it and Rodney opened up John's jacket enough to kiss a bit down his neck to his chest as far as John's shirt would allow. He pushed the neck of the shirt aside a bit and rolled John on his back and on top of him.

"Ouch," John said, because their mission outfits were not made for leisurely mornings in bed.

Rodney just made a vague noise and kissed the bits of skin he could expose.

"We should get out of our clothes," John said.

"We have all the time in the world," Rodney murmured against his skin. Then he lifted his head. "Hey, we even have rations," he said pointing at various pockets in his uniform, "and water. We could probably survive for days."

"I think they _might_ miss us eventually."

Rodney seemed to contemplate this. "Who am I kidding. We can be glad if they manage not to provoke a crisis till lunch, so I guess we better make the most of this."

"Hence the getting out of clothes."

"I'd really like to take my time," Rodney said, leaning down again to plant a kiss on the bit of exposed skin below John's neck.

"We could still do that and it would really be a lot more comfortable. Something down there is poking my thigh and it's not your dick."

Rodney looked down John's body and up again.

"Also you'd be naked," he pointed out as if only just realizing the potential in that.

"We could _both_ be naked," John suggested conspiratorially.

"But I still get to take my time," Rodney said and John only laughed starting to undress.

It really wasn't as if John could ever actually make him speed up. He'd given up whining very quickly after trying it once.

Once they were naked, John settled on his back and let Rodney do what he wanted. He wasn't in a hurry. Slow was fine with him as long as it wasn't all they did. His mind flashed to one mission, where part of their trade agreement had been to witness a ritual which he was sure would be classified as pornography in the US. They'd rushed to Rodney's room and John had pressed him into the wall, shoved Rodney's and his own pants down and only waited long enough for Rodney to say "Yes already!" to prepare him with sunscreen from his vest. They could have made it to the bed and the lube and gotten properly undressed, but they wanted the rawness of fucking against a wall, almost fully clothed.

And it was part of what they did as much as this now was.

Rodney had moved past his dick down his legs now, nipping on the inside of his thighs. He stopped once to look up at John and smile at him. John smiled back and stroked Rodney's head, running his thumb over his temple. Rodney continued to kiss down his leg and reached out towards John's hand. John took it and clasped them together.

They were good together, John thought and closed his eyes, nearly drifting off to sleep for a little while.

When he woke up, Rodney was sucking his dick. It was more a casual licking really, not even close to what Rodney could do with his mouth and tongue. He could perform miracles John had found out after one mission where he'd been totally wiped to begin with and Rodney had brought him off with a blow-job so quickly that it was almost insulting. Then he'd fucked John and suddenly slipped out and done things with this tongue that made John so hard again that he came with Rodney after Rodney had resumed pounding into him. He'd felt utterly spent after that but Rodney hadn't let up and sucked him to hardness one more time so that he could fuck himself on John. John had hardly been able to move and Rodney had done all the work, moving up and down on John's cock and jacking himself in the process. John had come again eventually and to this day he wondered what kind of device exactly Rodney had worked on during that mission and if they could somehow make one for themselves.

John was only half-hard, when Rodney let him slip from his mouth and got the lube out of the drawer. He carefully prepared John and then slid inside. And of course it was an almost lazy thrusting, not designed to bring either of them off any time soon.

Rodney looked down at him a little smile playing on his lips and John could feel the love in his eyes. It felt good.

John closed his eyes and relaxed.

He wondered about the paperwork he'd have to do later and if they'd have one of Rodney's favorite desserts for lunch. It never failed to make him smile these days when Rodney got that glazed look. Fortunately Rodney hardly ever got that look when he was with John. It could give a guy a complex.

He thought of nothing for a moment then, just feeling Rodney inside of him and his hands on his calves.

He felt warm and when he opened his eyes he saw the sun shining through the window right on top of them. John was surprised for a moment, because he couldn't remember when exactly it had stopped being dark, when he had sex.

He suddenly thought of the man who had gone to that room so long ago, waiting to be fucked by strangers, to make him feel fulfilled, but empty, right, but so wrong. He didn't recognize that man at all. He thought of that other John Sheppard, the one in the real world and he looked more familiar, but even there were changes. He had felt lonely back then.

And John realized that it never could have been differently. He had spent all his life trying to keep the man in those dark places from going into the outside world. When all he'd ever had to do was to let the man he wanted to be free. Free as he was now, here in this bed, with Rodney inside him.

He suddenly felt whole for the first time in his life. He was exactly who and where he was always meant to be.

He looked out again, where the sun shone brightly and suddenly he could see his mother, smiling at him. She understood. And she was happy for him. She loved him, not despite of what he was, but because of it. He wanted to reach out to her, but instead he just smiled.

"Why are you smiling?" Rodney asked and John turned and looked up into those blue eyes.

His mother would have loved Rodney. That stubborn wonderful man who had seen John, when he couldn't even see himself, who had fallen in love with a man that didn't exist. Maybe Rodney had thought him into existence, but John couldn't give him that much credit. In the end it only could have been himself who realized who he was. John Sheppard, lieutenant colonel in the US Air Force, son of Joseph and Marie Sheppard, a man who loved another man.

"I love you," John said, reaching up to put one hand in Rodney's hair.

He was ready to pull him down for a kiss, when Rodney's eyes widened in shock and he shuddered into John.

John's mouth started twitching as Rodney's face turned bright red.

He pulled out of John and John tried not to laugh, because Rodney was beginning to look less embarrassed and more annoyed. But John couldn't contain himself. In that moment he knew that he would forever make fun of Rodney for making him come by saying "I love you". And that felt good on so many levels.

When Rodney glared at him and got a "This is all your fault and I _will_ make you pay" look, John forced himself to calm down. He didn't quite manage it, so he tried to pacify Rodney by pulling him down for a kiss.

John guessed it worked, because Rodney melted into him and then their mouths opened up and John could only wonder what he had been thinking. He didn't ever want to stop. He felt Rodney's tongue move over his, sending shivers through his whole body. He had missed 25 years of this and very briefly thought about what his life would have been like, if... but then he only thought of Rodney and how he was glad that he had waited for him even if it had been such an extraordinarily long wait. Because nothing could have been as good as this.

Their hands were everywhere and Rodney didn't leave any part of his mouth unexplored. John only waited for him to start on his face, former forbidden territory, and he had to smile around Rodney's tongue.

There was so much for John to explore, too, he realized, but first he had to tell Rodney that he owed John an orgasm.


End file.
